Fulton County Family Court - Status Conferences From The Perspective of An Attorney Wanna' Be

Recently I had the opportunity to observe status conferences in Fulton County's Family Court.  I viewed around a dozen family law status conferences in two days.  I expected the exercise to be interesting.  I didn't expect it to be exhausting.  I was mentally and emotionally wrung out at the end of both days!  Initially, I couldn't figure out why.  I had worked lots of cases in the courtroom and out for two days straight before and, while they were tiring, this was different.  Even though I had no formal role in the status conferences I observed, I was equally if not more mentally and emotionally taxed than when I worked cases in which I had a vested interest.  Then, I figured it out.  I was exercising my developing "lawyer brain" in a real world setting.  For two days, without even realizing it, I analyzed every case by considering the strategies and evidence of both parties as they stacked up not only against each other, but also against the law.

Step back while I cheer loudly . . .  Yeah!  Wooo hoo!  Wooo hoo!  I did it!  I did it!  And, I did it instinctively without even realizing it!  I thought like a lawyer.  I'm getting teary eyed just thinking about it.

If you're not a lawyer or law student, you probably won't understand the emotive response.  All I can say is that when you learn to see the world through a lawyer's eyes, you've made the transition.  You've broken through to the other side.  It's affirmation that the investment of thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours of lecture and study haven't been in vain.

This was the first time I had exercised my baby lawyer brain on a dozen or more real world cases for two days straight.  No wonder I was tired.  Every family law scenario I saw during those two days, I have seen before in one version or another as they passed through The Manely Firm, PC, All Family Law, All Around Atlanta, sm.  But, I had never processed the scenarios like a lawyer must process them to be prevail against her opponent.  To prevail, a lawyer can't just develop and advance her own strategy.  She must also anticipate, recognize and defend against her opponent's strategy.  She can't just know and understand her own evidence, she must know and understand her opponent's evidence.  And most importantly, she must know the relevant law and how both sides' positions stack up against it.  In a small way, I was doing all of that during my observations.  And, it made my head hurt!

My stated purpose for the observations was to compare the litigation of divorce cases to the collaborative divorce process which I'm learning about in my collaborative divorce course.  I thought I knew that already.  Now, I realize I did and I didn't.  I had compared both from the perspective of legal support staff.  I had not considered the differences from a lawyer's perspective.  I'm sure I still haven't fully realized the differences.  I suspect it's like looking at an image through a camera lens that is somewhat out of focus.  The understanding of differences between litigation and collaboration will likely become cleaner and crisper the more I encounter both from a lawyer's (or lawyer wanna' be's) perspective. 

It's The Economy, Stupid

Do you remember, "It's the economy, stupid!"  Bill Clinton and Al Gore ran over George H. W. Bush with that message in 1992.  Well, these things have a way of cycling through.  Today, it is again, "the economy, stupid."  But rather than talking about its impact on the first families (I don't want to think about it, let alone talk about it!), I'd rather focus on its impact on divorcing families.

Divorce rates go down as families' economic stability goes down.  Does that seem counter-intuitive?  Couples are more likely to have conflict when family resources are tight, right?  So why would they divorce in fewer numbers?  Are couples happier with less?  Not likely.  It's more likely that individually, husbands and wives are less likely to seek individual happiness at the economic peril of the whole family.  At The Manely Firm, P.C., we have found those willing to go forward with divorce in these tough economic times are likely to be suffering a lot.  So much, that they aren't willing to sacrifice their or their children's mental health by remaining in an abusive or conflict riddled marriage, regardless of the economic implications.  That means many seeking divorce need resolution (or dissolution if you will) from highly toxic marriages with severely limited family resources to fund the effort.  Got that?  Needier family, less money to pay for help.

Families today do have options that weren't available in the early nineties.  Specifically, collaborative divorce.  Collaborative divorce is an option families with needs and modest assets should consider.  Here's why.  It provides intensive, comprehensive professional support for every member of the family while minimizing the costs and maximizing the benefits gained from their monetary investment.  Let me explain.
Attorneys know the law.  Mental health experts know the emotions.  Financial experts know the numbers.  In collaborative divorce each member of the family gains access to expertise in each area to help them work toward their jointly held goal of getting divorced as intact as possible.  "Jointly held goal" is the key to making the process work.  If both parties can agree they have share this shared goal and they each make a genuine commitment to it, they are candidates for collaborative divorce.  At that point their family resources aren't diverted toward contentious conflict that leaves emotional scars.  Instead, their financial resources are now pointed like a laser at maintaining their mental and fiscal health as they move through and beyond divorce.

It's hard for many to believe that collaborative divorce, which typically involves the professional assistance five or six professionals (to include 2 attorneys, 2 divorce coaches, a financial analyst and a child specialist) can cost less than a traditionally litigated divorce.  But, it can.  Additionally, one must compare the value of same investment in each process.  What has each family member got to show for their investment in a traditionally litigated divorce?  Compare that to what they have to show for their investment in a collaborative divorce?  In both instances, the marriage is over.   In the latter, hey have received professional psychological support for every family member and professional financial advice to maximize their resources in new family configuration. Finally, they learned the skills needed to craft an agreement as a team. That's a skill that will aid them in working together to craft agreements later around their ever changing family dynamics - at no extra charge.

The Manely Firm, P.C., doesn't do collaborative divorce yet.  There's a good bit of training, learning (and unlearning)  that must occur first.  While we are "under construction," contact Atlanta Collaborative Divorce Alliance to learn more.

Gottman and The Four Horsemen's Role In Collaborative Divorce

As a law student at Georgia State University, I have found  most of my classes to be rewarding, not just merely necessary or required.  When I say rewarding, I mean more than just in the way they advance my professional goal of becoming an attorney.  I mean rewarding on a deeper level.  For example, in Constitutional Law with Professor Patrick Wiseman, I developed of a deeper understanding and appreciation of the magnitude our justice system plays in underpinning our democracy.   In Corporations Law with Professor Ann Tucker Neece, I gained insight into how law and regulation affect the market by modifying corporate behavior in the planning and development stages rather than just in implementation and litigation.  Many of the law school lessons learned inform my own business and personal conduct.  Even though I've only had three classes, I can already see that my course in collaborative divorce will be just such a course.  I'm not just learning about law and its applicability to relationships.  I'm learning about relationships.  I hope you find my sharing worth while!

Last week psychologist, Howard Drutman, joined attorney and professor, Amy Waggoner, to explain the role of mental health experts in the collaborative divorce process.  Together they coached me and my classmates on how to improve our and our client's communication skills, explaining how critical successful communication is to achieving the best outcome possible for our clients.  Here's some of what they shared.

• Clients are more likely to hire an attorney if the attorney takes a few extra minutes to listen to how the client feels.
• Clients will be more honest with an attorney from the onset if the attorney takes time to attend to the client's feeling state.
• Clients will be more trusting (and therefore less demanding or needy) of an attorney who routinely attends to their emotions - even just a little bit - throughout the collaborative divorce process.
• Spouses who are divorcing almost always have communication barriers that undermined the success of their marriage.
• The same communication barriers that undermined the marriage will undermine the collaborative divorce process.
• Attorney's who are aware of and actively addressing the communication barriers that undermined the marriage will be more effective at guiding their clients through a "good divorce."
• Mental health professionals in collaborative divorce carry the lion's share of the load of helping divorcing spouses attend to their and their family's emotional needs.  An attorney who is oblivious may undermine the mental health expert's efforts, while an attorney who "gets it" will likely expedite and magnify them.

I was so inspired by Dr. Drutman's substantive information about the behavior and emotions that undermine marriage and the good divorce, that I went on to do some more research on my own.  Dr. Drutman shared that there are a number of barriers to effective communication between couples at conflict resolution, but the four predictors of divorce include criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling, with contempt being the most highly predictive.  Working with my own family's mental health professional  (Remember, we're a twisted family and the demands on twisted families almost demand a mental health professional on call!) I learned more.  Specifically, he explained that Dr. Gottman's research indicated that these four behavioral characteristics were labeled, "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!"  Yikes!  I recommend every couple get familiar with this research whether there's trouble afoot or not.  On a personal level, I'll use what I learned in not only my relationship with my husband, but also my children, employees and colleagues.
  

Whether I choose to do collaborative divorce as a practicing attorney or not, I'll apply the lessons learned from my collaborative divorce course professionally and personally.  That's what makes the academic pursuit especially rewarding!  If you're interested, I encourage you to view Dr. Gottman's two minute overview.

Collaborative Divorce: Client, Attorney Role Play

I'm so taken with the collaborative divorce process, I hope to share insights weekly. That, and I can also submit my summary to my professor as part of my portfolio for the course! Now that's a win/win! I get class credit and you get an introduction into collaborative family law without a class registration or consultation fee!

Last week my classmates and I participated in an excellent role play exercise. I admit, I'm a school geek. I love role play! We played the roles of a client seeking information on collaborative divorce and an attorney attempting to explain it. My classmates and I rotated in and out of the two roles with specific "assignments" whispered to us by our professor and unknown to the classmate in the opposite role. For example, "Go on up and be the attorney. Explain the team member approach." or "Go on up and be a client who is a real jerk." You get the idea. You never knew what was coming next! Kinda' like life.

Upon reflection, I did a great job as the client jerk. That role came just a little too easy. Being the attorney trying to explain the process to the client was really difficult, though. Here's why.

I had to start from scratch because collaborative divorce is so different from the traditional model and so unfamiliar to most clients. I felt like I was overwhelming the client with more information than they could take in. In addition to explaining the nuts and bolts of the process, I had to contrast it to the traditional divorce process. In addition to contrasting it to the traditional divorce process, I had to explain the benefits of the differences. I never felt comfortable with trying to do it all at once. I lost something in the communication of process while attending to differences while attending to benefits.

The conversation was so process focussed, I felt disconnected from the client's personal story and needs. Kinda' like I was trying to sell a veg-o-matic to a carnivore. I forgot to start with the client, her needs and her story. Rather than having a conversation, I had an audience. Not good.

Additionally, I felt condescending. The client had all these questions and concerns about collaborative divorce and in response I sounded more like a preacher than a collaborator. I could hear it but couldn't get away from it. It went something like this,

Client: I want to make sure I find someone who will fight for me. I want my voice to be heard. I want someone to speak up for me!

Me: Now, take a deep breath and listen to yourself. Your saying "fight" and "someone else to do." In collaborative divorce it's not about the fight. It's about the resolution. And, it's not about someone else doing the talking. It's about you getting the support you need to speak up for yourself. No one will take your hand and make you sign any dotted line you don't want to sign. But, you will be the one - with expert assistance - who will make your voice heard.

Me to myself in my head: "Take a deep breath?" Who do I think I am telling her to take a deep breath. She's upset. She has a right to be. Why didn't I say that? What questions can I ask her to guide her to the information rather than shoving it at her? I sound like I'm criticizing her and her feelings. Help!

If I had it to do over again, here's what I would try.

Client: I want to make sure I find someone who will fight for me. I want my voice to be heard. I want someone to speak up for me!

Me: You feel like you need to fight and you're afraid you won't be heard. Why? Have your needs and wants historically been neglected? When have you been successful at getting your point across to your spouse in the past? Can you imagine being able to do that again? What kind of assistance would you need to do that for yourself rather than having someone else do it for you? Can you imagine the benefits to your relationship long-term if you find a way to make sure you are heard rather than having someone carry your message for you? Under what circumstances can you imagine your spouse listening to you other than in a fight? What would motivate your spouse to listen to and consider your needs and wants? Through the collaborative divorce process, other clients in your circumstance have had success doing that by . . .

Or,

Does your husband love his children? Does he ever put their needs first? Under what circumstances in the past have the two of you put your immediate needs second to the needs of your children? Can you imagine having to do that in the future when you are no longer husband and wife? Can you imagine being willing to do that? Under what circumstances in the years to come do you see having to spend time with your soon to be ex-husband? Have conversations about your children? Make decisions together? Would there be benefits to learning how to have those conversations now rather than always having to hire someone to communicate for you? Collaborative divorce provides for that by . . . while traditional divorce minimizes the opportunities for that by . . .

It was great to role play with classmates. As a result, I'm certain that I'll do a better job at helping clients reflect on what's important to them and why, rather than trying to tell them what should be important to them.

Let Me Think On It: A New Day

Life and love are hard. When I first married Michael, his then Secretary and client, Terri, was going through a painful divorce and custody battle. She became much more than employee and client. She is a dear friend. Michael and I "stood up for her" when she remarried. Terri shared a wonderful post that filled me with such joy, I wanted to share it with you. My sharing is a testament to Terri's strength, courage, perseverance and most of all, her love for her son. But also, it's an opportunity for those who are going through dark and difficult time to be reminded why it's important to never give up on love and family. Her son, from who she had been estranged since he was 13 1/2, reconnected with her a few weeks ago. He had chosen to live with his dad and had refused her efforts to maintain contact. It had been years since they spoke. The rest, she can tell you. For a heartwarming story, you should visit her most recent blog post.

Here's to mama love! And here's to Terri and Nicholas. May you never again be parted.


Let Me Think On It: A New Day

Collaborative Divorce

I've mentioned I'm a law student. This semester I'm enrolled in a course titled Collaborative Divorce taught by a seasoned practitioner of the collaborative divorce process, Amy Waggoner. I am very excited about learning more about the process. Previously I blogged about Constance Ahrons' book, The Good Divorce. At The Manely Firm, PC we recommend this book to our clients. In a nutshell, Ahrons posits that divorces aren't going away. Yet, as a society we still view divorce as the product of a family's failure. We haven't instituted ritual or custom to honor a family's decision to restructure itself in a way other than the traditional nuclear family model of the 1950s and before. Finally, Ahrons refutes studies that claim children from "broken" families are any more "broken" than children from dysfunctional "whole" families. To the extent children of divorced parents are broken, she points to the adversarial process by which parents dissolve their marriages, the stigma attached to being a child of divorced parents and societies' lack of support for families in both transitioning and being transitioned from a nuclear family to an expanded family.

Collaborative divorce seems to be an excellent vehicle for realizing "The Good Divorce." Here are the basics:

The process is not adversarial and operates almost entirely outside the formal judicial setting. It requires a commitment by both parties to work within the collaborative process and adhere to the ground rules captured in a signed participation agreement. According to the Atlanta Collaborative Divorce Alliance, throughout the divorce process, the goal of collaborative practice is to:

• Promote respect,
• Put children first,
• Keep control of the outcome with the participants (not the judges), and
• Help a divorcing couple to focus on their most important goal.

I've heard pros and cons about collaborative divorce and collaborative divorce attorneys. But, who hasn't heard pros and cons about the traditional divorce process and traditional divorce attorneys?

Here's my early assessment: Divorcing parents are like neighboring peoples, sects or clans at odds over their individual claims on shared land, resources, assets, people and power. Collaborative divorce is akin to the Interactive Conflict Resolution process used in international diplomacy. There, teams of skilled academicians manage the discussions between the nation's respective power brokers, helping them identify sources of conflict, understand each others' positions and move toward resolution. In collaborative divorce, the discussions between divorcing parties are managed by a single team including the attorneys, mental health professionals and financial experts. (There are other models that only tap the professionals when the attorney's deem necessary, but Amy only practices the team model I describe.)

The process is not, though, to be confused with negotiation which is a power based exchanged. Patrick J. Sullivan and David L Lazenby in their book Scenerio Selling have a quote that I believe sums up the distinction perfectly. "The difference between negotiation and collaboration is the difference between buying a cake from someone and making it with them." I just love that! In other words, the parties don't bargain or negotiate their settlement with each other or through their attorneys. They don't win it from the judge. They build it together with their collaborative divorce team.

Divorce negotiation, mediation and litigation will always be around because people who get along well enough to collaborate are often not in the market for divorce. (To stay with the analogy, if they are willing to bake a cake together, they are often also willing to play house!) As children of divorce age, marry and divorce themselves, they'll be looking to give their children a better experience than they had. There will be people who, in spite of excessive conflict or little chemistry, understand that in the wake of their divorce, they will forever be connected. For them, the collaborative divorce process is a holistic, healthy approach .

The Twisted Holiday: Blended Families Struggle With Scheduling

Holiday scheduling presents challenges for every family. You know the drill - his family on Christmas Eve, your family on Christmas morning, and everyone at your house on New Years Eve. That's the easy part. Now, how do work in your son's time with his dad and your step-daughter's time with her mom? What about the Christmas pageant at your church the Sunday before Christmas, at the same time your ex's parents are having their get-together for the extended family? On the one hand your son has practiced for the pageant for weeks and his talent is beginning to shine! On the other hand he hasn't seen his dad's extended family in over a year and his grandfather's health is failing. And, of course your ex mother-in-law is pointing out that your son won't get his gift if he doesn't come. . .

Your and your children's holiday schedule is going to be tough. Get used to it. Over the years, I sometimes resented having to accommodate five families' holiday events instead of just three. (Ours, my parents', my spouse's parents', my ex's and my spouse's ex's.) Then, when my oldest son met his first serious girlfriend I realized it was all just practice for when my three sons have love interests and then families of their own. Every year it just gets more complicated. Here are some tips.

First, start planning early. Get your holiday visitation schedule as set in your agreement or court order (Note: if it doesn't work as drafted, you may want it modified.) on your calendar 6 months in advance, share with extended family and schedule accordingly. You and your ex should honor that agreement unless there is very compelling reasons to adjust (and there will be). But, changing it willy-nilly will lead to more conflict later. When unavoidable, significant conflicts arise, have an advance plan in place to evaluate your child's options. Here's what I suggest. If your child is old enough (6+ years), talk through the conflicts. Discuss the pros and cons of attending and not attending particular events. Help him consider things he may not of thought of in weighing his options (a grandparent's failing health or a commitment to peers). But, your the adult. Unless he is older (14+ years) don't leave the the decision up to him. That way, you can take the heat. When a conflict prevents your child from attending an event, help him find another way to "make the connection" he would otherwise miss. If he can't be at an extended family gathering, ask if you can help him video in. Or, guide him in writing a letter to the people he didn't get to visit, explaining how he misses them and looks forward to being together in years to come. Finally, accept that you and your child won't get to do everything together every year. You'll have to skip some events together one year and pick them up the next. Don't make your child feel guilty when you're the one he opts not to spend time with when a conflict arises. He didn't put himself in this situation, you and your ex did.

Holidays are ripe for conflict and they are the points in time your child is most likely to remember. So, how you handle conflict over holiday scheduling is very, very important. You will be teaching life lessons here whether you intend to or not. So, why not plan the lesson? Above all remember, lots of twisted families have very merry holidays and lots of traditional families don't. So, what will it be?